A Story

Like many other things with our family there is always room for humor. These stories will be retold like some that were shared at Dave's service.     I need to set the stage for the first one.  The last weekend of September was the Walk to Defeat ALS.  Kari had been in Fresno for most of the week and flew back to Portland so she could see cousin Robin and Aunt Margie before they flew out very early Sunday morning. Sunday morning Garrett and his mother Susan came up for the walk.  That morning Dave did not feel well so decided to skip church.  He had already decided the walk would be too much. We did not want to leave him alone so he chose Kari to stay with him.      After the walk Garrett and Susan went back to Eugene with most of Kari's clothes.  We had an appointment with our lawyer Monday morning and she planned to head to a work meeting right after that.  As it became apparent that Dave was not doing well plans changed and Kari did not have a change of clothes.  When talking with Cindy, Kari asked if Walker would mind if she borrowed a shirt.  Cindy mentioned one shirt that would be perfect because it had the old style big wheel on the front.  Walker said it would not fit because it was almost to small for him.  Kari put it on and said see it fits perfectly.  Walker muttered something about it being to tight.  With that Cindy explained that girls wear their shirts tighter than 10 year old boys.  Following Dave's example the shirt story was repeated often on Tuesday.

Feeling Loved

Last weekend was a long and tough weekend but I was with a wonderful family. With people arriving and leaving at different times I had family with me from Friday morning until Monday night. Being able to have a little time with many people rather than only one big gathering worked for me.

 
Friday morning started with former neighbor Marlene and son Nick. They had been spliced into our family tree a while back. Dinner that evening included sister Margie making her third trip here in a month. Her husband Mike.  Daughters Kym and family from Oakland, and Robin and family from Philadelphia made a pleasant evening. Both were making their second trip after recent visits to see Dave.  It was topped off with root beer floats. They were a special treat that PopPop had shared with the boys.


Saturday morning Uncle Paul and Aunt Dorie stopped by. Paul had started Dave on ham radio as a kid back when he had to know Morse code. There are many boaters that are happy that requirement was dropped. Lunch brought Sister Mary making her second trip but having her 3 adult kids with her this time. It was a make your own sandwich lunch. Fascinating how many of the adults choose PB&J when there were several kinds of lunch meats. Comfort food.

 
We all then headed to the church where the rest of the family met us. It was almost overwhelming to see the number of people, particularly because of the number of friends that were unable to be there. Most were doing grandparent things knowing that Dave would have said they belonged there. Even though we had received flowers at home there were many more at the Church. Following a Jimmy Buffet song that set the mood we shared memories. Kari, Todd, and I had independently chosen some humorous stories to share. We all missed his laugh but know he often retold every story we shared. To lead off the message a segment of his sermon was used. How many people get to talk at their own service? That just seemed like a Dave kind of thing.


After the service we all went downstairs for -what else - oatmeal raisin cookies, popcorn and olives. A long-time friend asked where was the raisin pie, his birthday cake of choice. Back at our house we all enjoyed Dave’s favorite meal, breakfast. My niece, Darien was there with her daughter to try and balance out the 6 boys. Kari's wonderful friends took over the kitchen and proved that architects can cook too. Many people had to leave early Sunday morning, but my sister Pat, brother Bill and sister-in-law Anne joined me on Sunday. This was a good visit and relaxing day. Plus Anne suggested a way to keep my foot warm and still let me use my toes and ball of my foot to move the track ball. Last winter I did everything with shoes. After being barefoot since June I could not go back to shoes. Pat made sure Quincy got loves and we all enjoyed a walk. We had dinner at Todd's house where I could really see the boys growing as they joined in the conversation around the table. Anne and Pat left early Monday morning while Bill stayed with me. Having him around made the house less quiet and he was able to help with several projects. All my wonderful family provided me with love as I moved along a new path.

It is the little things

I think I am getting along fine until little things catch me.  For the last couple of months we had been trying to find things that tasted good to Dave.  Yesterday when out shopping I would see something and think he might like that. Almost asked caregiver Cindy to get it. We also took Quincy to the groomers and the phone number they had was Dave's cell.  The last few months Dave had been going to bed around 7:30.  Sometimes to sleep or maybe read or watch a movie.  By that time of the evening his body said it wanted to be horizontal.  My body preferred being in my chair so evenings we often did our own thing.  No matter what when my caregiver me to bed he would wake up and wave.  No matter what I still look for that wave.  For the first week I had my sister and then Cindy sleep with me so it was not as noticeable.  Of course there are the times when I think I will think about telling him about something I saw or read. I am sure these times will continue but will become treasured.

Fall has arrived

Friday we had our first rain since June.  I enjoy the smells after rain but had to think about getting to the soccer games on Saturday.  Dave hated cleaning the mud off my tires and I know the caregivers would not like it either. After checking the schedule I was pleased to see that Walker had a 10:00 game at the only field where I could easily watch from a paved surface. That was a real bonus because many of his games had been at 8 on a field that was difficult for me.  It was the first time this season I had seen him play.                Kari came up that afternoon with the pictures she had scanned.  Really came out great.  When Todd came over the three of us had the opportunity to discuss again how we wanted the memorial service.  When we had talked with the minister before we were all so tired that he could have told us we had asked for dancing girls.  That is something Dave would have enjoyed. The mental image of dancing girls going up the church aisle makes me smile.  Then we all had a good time at dinner hearing about all the soccer games from the players and the coach (mom).                    Apparently we wore Qunicy out with the soccer game, walk and evening with the boys because he did not want to get up Sunday morning.  Caregiver Kelseyann had to make the bed around him.  No, he is not spoiled.  After the three of us got back from church he was ready to be awake.                    Neighbour Liz was here in the afternoon to help with the flower arrangements.  She has studied Japanese flower arrangement.  Liz is one of those people that can take the still nice flowers out of a wilting arrangement and make it look fresh.  Caregiver Yuki and I just watched and hoped we might learn something.                  As you can see I am very well taken care of.  Every day there are many cards with wonderful notes.  Emails arrive too.  I do feel the love around me.  Thank you all.

Planning

As we think about how we want to remember Dave various things come to mind.  Attire is one thing.  As soon as Dave retired he donated all his ties except the Jerry Garcia ties. He hated wearing ties. At the same time all but one suit went too. Kari's wedding was a fond exception and he happily wore a suit and tie.   So you have all been notified NO TIES at his service.  I think many of the people at church know that he decided to go with me when I told him he could wear jeans.  A friend said that he thought about wearing jeans.  Everyone knows Daves laugh that could be heard above any conversation.  We will just have to hear that laugh in our heads.  Fortunately we do have his voice recorded when he gave his sermon.  How do you remember someone with varied interests and a irreverent sense of humor ?

Thoughts

I really don't know where to begin.  We have all experienced so much love this past week.  My nephew, Chan, was here for five days just to help Todd.  We were able to focus on the mail that had been ignored for a week and pick Chan brain about things that needed doing.  All the people around Todd and Kari have shared love, hugs, cards, and food.  I have had lots of love, hugs, visits and cards with wonderful messages.  Kari will be here Saturday and I am thinking of reading the cards with them.  I don't know if we could handle all the wonderful messages at one time.  It is so comforting to read what people remember about him.

Reflections

Last week remains a foggy experience.  It was a whirlwind of sadness, hope, love, caring, sleep deprivation and even laughing.  Unfortunately the laughing was mostly when looking at pictures from the 70's.  Did we really think those clothes looked good? I have stories running in my head that might surface in later posts as I use this forum to adapt and adjust.  There are so many that enabled all of us to function.  The hospice staff were all fantastic.  Cindy's mother made the 12 hour drive from Bakersfield to be available for the boys anytime Todd and Cindy wanted to be away.  Food from various people so that eating was easy.  Our caregivers all went the extra mile to take care of everyone.  Now we all need to find and adjust to the new normal.

Dave is free

Friday, October 5th Dave was set free in the early morning hours. Memorial service will be Saturday October 20 at 3:00. At Rose City Park Presbyterian Church.

Almost

Last night I did not write and once again realized how therapeutic it is to write.  Cindy strongly suggested to Todd that he needed to spend the night at home and get some sleep. Kari was desperate for sleep to so Daves two sisters, Margie and Mary took over for the night.  Everyone wanted to be sure he did not have any discomfort so a schedule was made. Mary and Margie each set alarms for the schedule and both Kari and Todd slept hard.  Slept hard until 5 when I rang my call button thinking it was near the end.  It wasn't.

thanks you

The outpouring of love in all the emails and visits is so wonderful.  Hospice was able to get the pain under control.  This morning he was given a few doses of liquid morphine until the the slower acting drugs kicked in. The rest of the day he seemed comfortable.  He would rally briefly with each visitor to greet them and then drift off.  Both sisters flew up today and he was able to to talk some to them. When his father called he said a few words so they were both comforted. 

Hospice is wonderful

Connecting with hospice is continuing to be every thing we hoped it would be.  Dave had another rough night even with giving him extra pain meds. Fortunately Kari was still here because the caregivers are limited in what they can without being delegated by the nurse.  We talked with hospice again in the morning and Anne, the nurse, arrived about 10.  She ended up staying until almost 6.  Anne called the hospice doctor who ended up staying almost 4 hours.  The initial effort was to relieve pain and the location of it.  With a morphine muddled brain the answers were not always prompt or accurate.  Finding the area of the worst pain was not hard.  Just a touch told that.  It was less than 2 weeks since the doctor had seen him and she could easily see that his belly was much more distended.  This could be caused by several things and was probably a combination of several things.  Because we know cancer had spread to the liver we could assume that was part of the problem.  Liver cancer pulls and holds water in it. Who knows if that is the entire problem. Very possible that the pancreas is getting into the action too.  Additionally he had not peed all day so that could be part of the problem.  It was decided that an ultrasound would help answer that question and after several phone calls arrangements were made for tomorrow morning.   Meanwhile Anne put in a catheter.  Strangely nothing came out.  After about an hour nothing had happened so it was taken out.  Anne wanted to talk with the doctor again and would get back to us.  Mean while the next shift nurse would be bringing a pump that would deliver drugs under the skin for a more consistent pain relief.  Because of the unsuccessful catheter the plan was to go to the hospital tonight and do the catheter, the methadone (sp?) pump and the ultrasound.  Hospice made arrangement for transport and but it was delayed.  Meanwhile we were checking on him..When they asked about his breathing and were told it was slowing his transit moved up in priority.  That meant the fire department came too.  So now Todd and Kari are with him at the hospital and I am doing my therapy.  They just called and the catheter and pain pump are done.  One more thing to do. I hope it does not take long because we are all sleep deprived.